Blerd: you there?
Gonzo: give me a munte…er…a minute. I want nothing to with a munte.
B: That sounds like an exotic animal.
G: Yes, you don’t want that thing to burrow into your skin.
B: It was a red and black munte; the deadliest munte in the world! Next on Animal Planet!
G: Black and red are the worst kind!
OK, let’s get down to business. it’s been a mighty long time.
B: It has! Where’ve you been?
G: First, our convo was delayed by me moving, then, the Verizon strike left me without internet for A FLIPPIN’ MONTH.
B: I would say fuck Verizon, but everything i own is Verizon, and i dont want them to turn off my shit.
G: They’re probably storing this chat on their server.
B: Now I’m fucked.
So, you are moved into a beautiful new place and you have internet service.
G: At least one of those things is true.
I believe it’s my turn to serve up the aural delights.
In my month of Internet isolation, I came up with a backlog of cover convo ideas. This time around, I think we’ll spin this little ditty, originally from 1964.
B: It’s Good Thing by Fine Young Cannibals!
G: Oh snap! Good call.
B: I feel like this calls for go-go girls.
G: Wait, am I the only one in a mini skirt and knee high boots?
B: You do look fetching, I must say.
G: Awww, shucks.
So Ms. Jones’ take on “Tainted Love” was actually a B-side, the flip being “My Bad Boy’s Comin’ Home”. Both sides failed to chart.
B: Pretty much all I know about Gloria Jones i know from VH-1’s Greatest One Hit Wonders Of The Eighties.
G: She had a hit in the 80s?
B: Well no, but when they profiled the song we’ll be hearing next, they mentioned her. I think they also mentioned that she was the girlfriend of Marc Bolan of T. Rex.
Also that she was driving the car that Marc Bolan of T. Rex died in.
G : As the kids say, GTFO.
B: Gloria Jones’ Wikipedia page
G: Of course, Jones’ tune finally had its comeuppance two decades later.
B: Awww shit.
G: I really don’t remember much about this video, but boy are we off to a creepy start.
B: Venture any guesses as to what is happening here?
G: White yuppie dad takes interracial child to Caligula for a scolding?
B: That’s as accurate as anyone’s gonna get.
Part of me wonders how shit like that flew in the early Eighties. “We don’t understand this at all. Let’s just go with it.”
G: “The less sense this makes, the better.”
Well now that I’m geared up for some bizarro nightmares tonight, it’s worth pointing out that this version was of course huge.
B: I cant believe this only peaked at, #8.
G: In the US, yes but,#1 in the UK, Australia, Germany, France, and Belgium.
B: Those crazy Europeans.
G: But #8 was enough to make it an ’80s night staple once that became trendy. The Soft Cell version has become one of those “we need a song to signify the 1980s” songs in TV, film, commercials, etc.
B: Why not? It’s hella catchy; quite campy even without the visual.
G: BUT, not the only cover of Gloria Jones’ tune.
B: Uh oh. I think I know where this is headed, and I dont like it.
G: Yep.
B: FUCK.
G: Don’t worry, I have another curveball in store.
B: I hope that curveball isn’t the curveball I’m thinking of.
G: For what it’s worth, I kind of like that manipulation of the beat in the intro.
B: It’s not terrible.
G: I believe this version did fairly well, no doubt capitalizing on ’80s nostalgia and Manson’s popularity.
B: He was a thing once, wasn’t he?
G: I remember hearing it on the radio a decent amount. Then The Passion of the Christ came out, and nobody protested Marilyn Manson anymore.
So, this is from Not Another Teen Movie.
B: The Marilyn Manson version?
G: The soundtrack also contained some band called Mest doing “I Melt With You” and Stabbing Westward doing “Bizarre Love Triangle”.
B: That sounds all kinds of bad.
G: It really does, but stick with me on the creepy thing for bit.
B: Hmmm. I have never heard of this one before. This is sufficiently creepy.
G: One of the earlier industrial groups.
A friend of mine played it for me in high school, and while the song’s merits are debatable, I appreciated the MO of “hey, let’s totally change this pop song’s connotation by making the song super creepy and depressing.” I later found the 12″ at a flea market.
B: OK-I had to tap out on Coil but here’s one for you.
Do you realize that the most popular version of “Tainted Love” was actually a double cover?
B: Soft Cell got a little Supremes action in there too.
G: I always thought the Supremes bit was a little lacking, as punchy as the “Tainted Love” portion is.
B: The songs do fit thematically, but i see what you mean
G: Not a very seamless edit, I have to say.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good cover of “Where Did Our Love Go”
B: What’s not seemless about the edit?
G: (major music geek moment about to happen)
2:22-2:24. It seems real abrupt to me
B: mmm…I hear it. Guess I’m used to it.
G: Either way, I think that the Supremes cover would have worked better on its own.
Good lord, we’ve been tainting love for almost an hour!
B: I’ve been tainting love for 35 years, Gonzo.
G: So Blerd, what’s it gonna be? The Northern Soul floor stompin’ Gloria Jones? The new wave synth pop of Soft Cell? The creepy ass Coil, or the more goth than thou Marilyn Manson?
B: Maybe i’ll go with…
G: Jesus God, how did I not know about this? Also, I wish I still didn’t know about this.
B: I wish I didnt know about it myself.
G: What the hell are these ladies up to now?
B: Well, Nicole Whatsername is judging the X Factor. I think the other PCDs are working at Hooters.
G: Are there infomercials for Time Life’s Music of the Aughts yet?
G: Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.
B: Me, the PCDs or Hooters?
G: All of the above?
Oh shit, they did the medley, too. I’ll give them a little bit of credit for that move.
B: To answer your question, I’d have to toss it up between Gloria and Soft Cell.
The Gloria Jones original is shagadelic, but Soft Cell brings that gender-indeterminate 80s camp…
G: …which the video does nothing to dispel. I’m going to straight up go with Gloria Jones on this one.
I like the Soft Cell version, sure. But maybe it’s appeal has been diminished with how many times I’ve heard that song in decades that weren’t the ’80s.
B: You were a toddler when this song came out! An infant, actually.
G: Truthfully, my musical memories go back to a disturbingly young age.
B: You can’t tell me you remember “Tainted Love”.
G: I certainly don’t remember when this song dropped and I was 0 years old, but those big ’80s songs did not disappear from radio and MTV rotation as quickly as contemporary pop songs do.
B: I’m torn, but at least i didnt pick Coil.
G: BONG BONG
B: So we can go with 1 1/2 votes for Gloria Jones and 1/2 a vote for Soft Cell and the weird Caligula thing?
G: What? Half votes? What kind of corrupt system of government do you live under?
B: I’m a commie.
G: But you’re skirting the issue, as usual – ONE MAN, ONE VOTE.
B: Aw crap. I guess i’ll have to go with Gloria Jones. BLACK POWER
G: Gloria Jones for the win And here I really thought we were going to disagree on this one. But as you said last weekend, our musical tastes are “disturbingly similar.”
B: They are!
…and with that, this Blerd & Gonzo convo reaches it’s inevitable conclusion.
BLERD DECISION: After much hemming and hawing, Gloria Jones.
GONZO DECISION: Gloria Jones, definitively.