It’s the 2011 version of the VMAs and really, other than who has a hot single, what’s the real difference from year to year? You take a bunch of famous pop stars, give them tons of alcohol, and just let them act the fool on live TV. I think the real question should be: Who is going to do something that makes the Twitter go crazy? Kanye, Lady Gaga, or how about Kanye? My money’s on Kanye.
I have my Mangria ready. This could be painful.
6:00: The VMAs are really like the hot mess awards show. They should really just name it the Christina Aguilera Music Awards.
6:01: Lady Gaga comes dressed out as Daniel LaRusso from the Karate Kid, if he took 5,000 crane kicks to the face.
6:04: Maybe this is part of her live show. But I don’t get what dressing up like an ugly man has to do with anything. Just dress up in meat suits, play flaming pianos, and sing your ass off girl. That’s all we care about.
6:08: Ooo, there was a Sammi and Ron sighting. But no Situation sighting. I didn’t see the last episode of The Jersey Shore. Is he still alive? Someone needs to update me.
6:13: Nicki Minaj and Jonah Hill are the first two presenters. If we don’t get a side/back shot of Nicki, this is all for naught. Jonah Hill’s lost so much weight that the old Jonah Hill must’ve eaten the new Jonah Hill.
6:15: Britney Spears wins the first ever Throwback award. Wait, this is a new award?
6:18: I just read on Twitter that Beyonce is pregnant. That poor kid is going to have some big ass thighs and some big ass lips.
6:21: Ok, this is just plain wrong. Funny, but still, it’s just plain wrong. Still funny though.
6:23: As if he knew I was talking about his wifey and now baby mama Beyonce, Jay-Z and Kanye are out to perform Otis. “Damn, Yeezy and Hov, where the hell you been?”
6:26: Justin Bieber looks more and more like Ellen DeGeneres each and every day.
6:27: I finally bought an album that had a song that was nominated for Best Rock Video and the Foo Fighters had to go and steal that award. Yes, I bought the Black Keys record.
6:36: I hope anyone but Lil’ Wayne and Chris Brown win this Hip Hop Award. Does that make me out of touch? I’m fine if it does.
6:37: My out-of-touch self got my wish. Nicki Minaj won. Damn, with Jay-Z in the building, she just called Lil’ Wayne the best rapper alive. Rakim just gave the whole VMAs the side-eye. Wait, Ra is too cool to be watching. What am I thinking?
6:44: I wonder if Pitbull was sad that J-Lo and Marc Anthony are separated. Now he’ll have to choose which coattails he’ll continue to ride.
6:50: “Grab somebody sexy, tell ’em hey,” could be the most passive lyric of the year. After you grab them and tell them hey, and they say hey back, and then there’s awkward silence, what’s next?
Why does Pitbull always wear nutters?
6:59: I’m a big Adele fan and hope she wins a ton of awards tonight, but what happens when she’s happy in a relationship? Does she just stop singing?
I kind of want Kreayshawn to win Best New Artist just to validate the tomfoolery that is these awards.
7:07: I kind of want to watch The X-Factor simply because I miss Simon and Paula. I don’t miss Nicole Schwarzenegger though. Don’t miss her one bit.
7:10: Kim Kardashian is out introducing the Best Male Video. I swear, if they don’t show us a side/back shot, it’s all for naught. Wait, I said the same thing about Nicki Minaj.
7:11: Justin Bieber won the award. Are he and Pitbull wearing the same pants?
7:14: Ike Turner, I mean Chris Brown, is now performing. Meh. Give me Usher, Ne-Yo, and Justin Timberlake as MJ copy cats over this jackass any day of the week.
Anyone else find Chris Brown dancing to “Protect Ya Neck” both borderline insulting and ironic? (Get it, ’cause if a girl goes out with him, she has to protect her…. ahh, nevermind, this one’s dead in the water.)
7:25: Ralph Macchio is back to present Britney Spears with the MJ Video Vanguard Award. You have to admit, there were some hot Britney videos.
7:28: Ralph Macchio is absolutely making Britney uncomfortable. Macchio wants to make out, but Brit pulled away.
7:32: Beyonce is performing and it’s her least Beyonce-like performance of the year, performing in a sparkly New Edition jacket and slacks. Even when Aretha was 800 pounds, she was still rocking her gowns.
(By the way, the best part of this show was after Beyonce’s set, she rubbed her belly to let everyone know she was pregnant. Jay-Z smiled and Kanye pushed him around. New day?)
7:41: Tyler The Creator wins the Best New Artist Video award, all while Selena Gomez is presenting with Taylor Lautner. I wonder if Bieber knows that Jacob The Werewolf was about to take his girl?
7:53: Cloris Leachman is out with the girls of Jersey Shore. They’re going to do a Facts Of Life reboot. Snooki will play Natalie.
8:08: Tony Bennett just showed a clip of he and Amy Winehouse in the studio together and she sounded spectacular. Most definitely gone too soon.
8:10: Bruno Mars, he of the white powder and the Richie Valens hair-do, is the one doing the Amy Winehouse tribute. Adele is here tonight though!
8:15: Ne-Yo’s coat > Beyonce’s Ralph Tresvant coat > Bruno Mars’ coat
8:21: Katy Perry just upset Tyler The Creator for Video Of The Year! Oh, she was supposed to win this and MTV has never played a Tyler The Creator video ever? My bad.
8:22: No matter how hard Drake just verbally fellated Lil’ Wayne, I’m passing. Sorry.
8:36: I just watched 6 minutes of I Just Want My Pants Back before figuring out that Wayne closed out the show. Couldn’t tell based on all the bleeps. Goodnight!
Photo of Lady Gaga is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license
Photo of Amy Winehouse is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 France license
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