Remember Blerd Briefs? Well, it has now manifested itself into a regular column called Blerd Lines, because “lines”=headlines, and “Blerd Lines”—-> “Blurred Lines”—-> HELLO?? Why not take advantage of part of our site name’s resemblance to the biggest record of 2013 so far? Hopefully people still know what I’m referring to when Blerd Lines columns run in 2015, but…I’m getting ahead of myself. Here are the past week’s most interesting headlines.

Chris Brown Suffers Seizure, Blames It On You

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Having seizures, threatening to retire. What will Chris Brown do next?

Ohhhhhh, Chris Brown. Chrisbrownchrisbrownchrisbrownchrisbrown. What are we going to do with your crazy ass? First, there was the news that his upcoming (and oft-delayed) album X might be the Grammy winner’s last album. Then, later in the week, Breezy apparently had a seizure in the recording studio. Apparently, the seizure wasn’t severe enough to require medical attention, and according to a (presumably long-suffering) rep for Brown, the seizure was caused by “stress due to ongoing legal manners and non-stop negativity.”

Seriously? Negro, please.

You put yourself in this situation by being an unrepentant asshole. I’m not quite sure why Brown or his people think that they can receive any sympathy, whatsoever. The man participated in an act that would’ve killed a lesser career, and not only survived it, but (at least commercially) thrived for a while. The embarrassment of riches Brown has received over the past decade is in no ways commensurate with his talent (which lies as a dancer and not much else.) Maybe he should give that some thought before he lashes out again. Oh, and it wouldn’t surprise me if his seizure was caused by the same, er, condition, that caused Lil’ Wayne’s and Rick Ross’ within the past year. Anyway…

Janelle Monae Reveals New Album Art, Collaborates With Everyone

I once thought Janelle Monae was overrated. I still kinda think she’s overrated, but her new album, Electric Lady, is shaping up to be one of 2013’s more interesting releases. While her collaborations with fun. have given Monae a bigger public profile than she’s ever had, it hasn’t translated into any concrete sales-“Q.U.E.E.N.,” the solid duet with Erykah Badu that served as Electric‘s first single, stiffed. She definitely has props within the artistic community, though. Electric boasts guest appearances from (inhale) Prince, Miguel, Solange and Esperanza Spalding, in addition to the aforementioned Badu. That’s a lot of talent (also a lot of strangeness.) I’m hopeful that they will help turn Electric Lady into a special musical event. You’ll be able to find out for yourself when the album comes out September 10th.

M.I.A. & Lady Gaga Have New Records Coming Out, And, Yes, They’re Still Attention Whores

I think Lady Gaga is quite talented. M.I.A.? Less so. Why am I grouping the two artists in a column together? Well, they both have new music coming out, and they are both kicking off the press campaigns for their respective albums by being annoying as fuck. Gaga’s third studio album, ARTPOP, has already gained annoying points for being ridiculously pretentious from a conceptual standpoint. Before the record’s promo campaign can kick off in earnest, the pop superstar has gained headlines for a recent video in which she demonstrates something called the Abramovic method. Marina Abramovic is a performance artist who…oh my God, who cares. The big public draw is that Gaga is naked in the video. I guess I’m feeding into the machine by writing about it, but I have to say that Gaga’s publicity stunts call to mind her most obvious influence-Madonna. And not in a good way. Remember the years between 1991-1994, when we were inundated with Madge’s views about sex? There was the “Justify My Love” video, the Truth Or Dare movie, the Erotica album, and the Sex book, and people just got exhausted. Madonna’s career didn’t fully recover until she called Babyface up and he gave her a #1 single with “Take A Bow.” Gaga appears to be headed in the same direction, or maybe she’s already jumped the shark. Keep in mind that some folks considered Born This Way a flop (and also side-eyed the whole 99 cent gambit that led to its million-plus first week sales.) Of course, all the Lady has to do is put out a dope single a la “Bad Romance” or “Alejandro” and all will be forgiven.

As for M.I.A. (one of the most overrated “pop stars” of recent vintage,) apparently the label has been tinkering with the release date of her fourth album, and she pitched a fit and threatened to leak it online. Now, the release date is November 9th. See, kids? Tantrums get you what you want.

Now excuse me as I go into my boss’s office and start screaming and throwing shit. Whoops-just got fired!

The Abramovic Method Practiced by Lady Gaga from Marina Abramovic Institute on Vimeo.

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