Somewhere between puberty and adulthood, love abandoned me. Sometimes I feel her spying on me from the corner of my heart but when I look to her for help, she disappears like a thief in the day (daytime crooks are much bolder). She wants me to see her but just as much as I am afraid of getting disappointed by her, she holds me responsible for not treating her with the respect she deserves. She feels that I have more emotion for hate than I do for her.
Ever have the same negative experiences occur over and over but with different individuals? Do you feel you are always the victim in a dispute where you feel you have done right on your part but the other person just shits on you? In your mind it’s everyone else’s fault but yours. Let’s say it is. When you still put the same amount of energy into those relationships that you always have from day one and get the same results, what exactly are you looking for? Now, let’s say it isn’t their fault. What if you are not doing such a hot job at being a friend as you thought you were? Let’s say you are actually a rational person and thought both scenarios through. The problem is you.
Even if subconsciously, people play upon the emotions and behaviors of those they come in contact with. Pay attention to how your circle interacts with different individuals. Are they different with others than they are with you? Probably so. Watch how their tones change, their grammar changes, their strengths emerge, their weaknesses reveal themselves; they’re chameleons. But, when it comes to you, there’s no extra effort on their behalf. They see something in you that you don’t.
The funny thing is that there are probably also people in your life that do the opposite. They realize how great you are and remind you every chance they get. You, for some reason, disregard the praises. I personally know this feeling too well. What I also know is it doesn’t matter which side of the coin someone falls on; you have to be motivated on your own to do more than just exist and that begins with finding love within yourself.
As I began to stop being so stubborn, love started to come around more often. I’m getting more and more accustomed to using her in my approach to life. The more I allow her to guide me, the better off I am. I soon realized that I had to have a relationship with love first before I could have one with others. That way, I know my worth when I am wronged and accept my faults when I am wrong. But when I am right, oh how I love love for loving me and now that I found love for myself, I am never letting go.