I’ve been watching Big Brother since the very first season. Shout out to Eddie McGee! While there’s always new twists and changes to the game to keep both the players and the audience on their toes, the game pretty much remains the same. You have to play a good social game and stay in the good graces of most people, while also being strong in challenges so you can control your own destiny. Big Brother is always watching.

This season, the show brought back six previous contestants and paired them up (Rachel and Brendon, Daniele and Evel Dick, Jeff and Jordan). Eight newbies were also paired up. The game was played “double trouble” style, which meant that each pair was nominated, rather contestants as singles. After four weeks, the game went back to normal and contestants were nominated in regular fashion.

The newbies had the numbers game, but they couldn’t work together and started to get picked off. Evel Dick left the game very early on for an undisclosed reason. After Dick left, newbies Keith, Cassi, Dominic, and Lawon (Brendon was eliminated before Lawon, but came back) were all eliminated in successive fashion. Daniele, Brendon, and Jeff were all playing strong games, but were also becoming big targets. All three were soon eliminated. That left four newbies and two returning contestants left. Shelly, who was a flip flopper and one of the biggest liars, was the next one gone, and then Kalia, Daniele’s sister from another mister was gone as well. My favorite, Jordan, was the last person eliminated leaving us with Rachel, Porsche, and Adam.

Here’s a quick look at the remaining three:

Rachel: She’s the last remaining veteran and simply does not want to let her fiance Brendon down. She also is the hardest worker out of the three, but cries way too much and is very unlikable at times. And she has huge boobs. From here on out, she’ll be known as Rachel’s boobs.

Porsche: She’s one of the two remaining newbies left and loves to wear velour sweat pants. Actually, I think she wears them because she’s the only Big Brother contestant I’ve seen who actually gained weight while on slop. She’s got quite the badonk going these days. She’s also been really good at challenges of late.

Adam: He has a Donna Martin fetish. Come on dude! Who chooses Donna? He’s also the biggest floater in the game and has been extremely successful in not being a target.

Here’s Julie Chen with some dramatic music, and we’re off!

9:38: It’s final HOH competition time. For part one, the three remaining are spinning on a contraption in a large kiddie pool of what looks like vitamin enhanced pee.

9:40: Adam took a face-first dive into the vitamin enhanced pee at the 29 minute mark, leaving Rachel’s boobs and Porsche left. Porsche looks like she wants to yak in the pee.

9:42: Porsche fell off and I think she tried plugging her nose before falling into the kiddie pool. Rachel’s boobs gave a huge smiling thumbs up to the camera and then pretended to feel badly for Porsche.

9:47: Part two of the HOH features a small aquarium. They have to swim in the aquarium while placing all the HOHs in order in a maze. Yes, they can come up for air. Porsche thinks that memorizing something under water is harder than memorizing something while not in water. Yes, she’s blond.

9:49: Adam is having problems with his goggles so he tosses them away, yet without the goggles, it’s worse. He leaves the aquarium to retrieve them and wastes precious time. Yes, if he had hair, I think he’d be blond too.

9:50: Porsche beats him by over two minutes. Eh, I guess we can’t blame the goggles for that one.

9:52: The remaining jury members are having a pow wow. My girl Jordan is looking good. Jordan is on Team Rachel’s boobs with Brendon. Daniele says that Rachel’s boobs was the biggest floater in the house. Kalia says she’s changed her tune on Rachel’s boobs and thinks she had the hardest game. Shelly says that she can’t fathom voting for someone who was so malicious to everyone, before Jordan called her on her BS and said that Shelly herself lied to everyone and said many malicious things about everyone. Big Jeff says if they really hated her, they would’ve voted her out. Kalia thinks that Porsche was smart in playing quietly. Everyone is dissing Adam. Jeff and Jordan give props to Adam’s loyalty. Daniele calls Adam a piggy backer. Kalia and Jeff get into it over whether or not she played Daniele’s game or her game. Well, you both lost, so no one cares.

10:00: It’s part three of the final HOH competition. Porsche and Rachel’s boobs have to guess how members of the jury answered certain questions. Of course, Rachel guessed wrong on Brendon’s question. Of course.

10:04: Rachel’s boobs schooled Porsche like you knew they would and she’s in the final two for sure. She’s been talking about a deal she and Porsche made, but based on the jury commentary, she’d probably be better off keeping Donna Martin’s biggest fan.

10:11: Porsche and Adam pleaded their case to Rachel’s boobs about why they should be kept. Adam called Porsche a floater. Rachel’s boobs cut a promo about why she deserves to win and why she had to evict Adam. Donna Martin does not graduate.

10:15: Adam tells Julie that he played well in competitions and that Rachel’s boobs made the right choice because he would’ve beat her. I’ve never seen someone lie to Julie Chen twice so quickly.

10:20: The jury walked out and when Brendon saw that Adam was just eliminated, he gave one of the greatest fist pump scream combinations of all time.

10:22: Rachel tells Brendon that the person who fights should be rewarded, even if she hurt anyone’s feelings. Porsche tells Jordan that she deserves to win because she played a strong social game and didn’t just hang around in a bikini. Of course, she hung around in velour sweats. Rachel butters up Kalia and tells her she would’ve won the game if Rachel didn’t get her out. I think she may have just won Kalia’s vote with that answer. Porsche tells Shelly that she made some huge game moves, but doesn’t really tell her what those game moves were. I think Rachel may be taking this from her. Hey, Big Jeff, Adam, and Daniele didn’t get to ask any questions.

10:30: Rachel gets to tell us how much of a warrior she is again. She talks about evicting Kalia and getting Daniele out. She talks about changing her strategy and becoming more of a social player after Brendon left. She goes over her stats of 4 HOHs and 2 POVs like she’s trying to get a contract from the New York Yankees. Porsche says they could’ve voted her out in week one, but they didn’t and she’s still here. She says you can respect people in this game, going for Shelly’s vote of course.

10:33: Brendon’s vote is for Rachel’s boobs. Yes, both of them. Daniele tells Rachel she’s lucky this isn’t a personality contest while probably voting for Porsche. Big Jeff puts his vote in without saying who he is voting for. I’m going to guess he voted for Rachel. Shelly looks like she just tanned for about 10 hours straight and she didn’t leak out her vote either. I think she voted Porsche. Kalia kept her vote quiet. I’m wonder if Rachel got her vote? I think Jordan voted for Rachel. Adam puts in his application for playing Big Brother All-Stars and blames his smoking for losing the aquarium challenge. I’m not quite sure who he voted for, but he could be the swing vote. My prediction is that Rachel won 4-3.

10:39: The remaining cast members including Evel Dick are back since they were able to watch the show on TV. Evel Dick blamed his daughter on blowing up what could’ve been the greatest alliance in Big Brother history. This was all so Daniele could say her “Shocker!” catchphrase. Dick says Daniele played too hard too fast.

10:42: Cassi says that Shelly played a great game, but threw her for a loop by playing both sides of the house. Every time I see Shelly, I wonder if I have to fix the color on my TV. She’s so tanned, Hulk Hogan looks at Shelly and goes, “You’re tanned brother!”

10:52: And the votes … Brendon voted for Rachel, Daniele voted for Porsche, Jeff voted for Rachel, Shelly voted for Rachel, Kalia votes for Porsche, Jordan votes for Porsche, and it really doesn’t matter who Adam voted for.

10:53: The winner of Big Brother 13 is Rachel’s boobs!

10:54: Rachel must’ve tossed out a F-bomb while hugging Brendon because the camera cut to a shot of the fish for two seconds. Damn that Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake!

10:57: Adam voted for Porsche, which made my 4-3 prediction a correct one.

10:58: Jeff won the America’s Choice award. I guess not too many people knew about Jeff’s controversial statements about Hogwarts Headmaster, one Albus Dumbledore. Until next year, peace out!

Photo of Evel Dick is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license.
Photo of Julie Chen is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported license.