I’ve come down with a serious case of Old Man Syndrome.
Now that I have had a day or so to digest the shit show that was the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards, I thought I’d write a piece on it. I was tempted to start this report with the phrase, “What’s a music video?” (haha). But I decided that the “MTV-doesn’t-play-videos-anymore” argument has been made a million times before. In fact, it is pointed out every time MTV does something remotely music-related. So I won’t go there. But just so you kids are clear, us older folks like to reminisce about a time when MTV played music videos, as opposed to what it does now, which is to chronicle the life and times of a whore named Snooki, who seemingly wanders around her town trying to infect the unsuspecting residents of New Jersey with gonorrhea. Like I said, we old folks like to reminisce. You’ll do the same when you get older
Speaking of whores, I assume everyone saw Hannah Montana air-fuck some dude in a black & white suit? I didn’t catch his name, and it really doesn’t matter anyway – the point is, Hannah Montana likes it doggie style! According to Wikipedia, her birth name is Destiny Hope Cyrus. If Destiny Hope isn’t the ultimate stripper name, then I don’t know my strippers! Apparently, daddy’s little girl is all grown up!
By the way, hats off to Billy Ray Cyrus! By raising Hannah/Miley/Destiny to be a sterile, politically correct, Disney-wet-dream-poster-girl to be whored out to the masses, he’s turned her into an actual whore! Good job, buddy! You must be so proud.
Let’s turn to Lady Gaga. Now, I’ve never been a fan of Ms. Pa-Pa-Pa-Pokerface, but this new track (“Applause”) seems to have hit a new low for her. It sounds like it has all of the intellectual vapidity of her previous work, but without the hooks. There’s just nothing there. Just a boring melody and a bunch of tired, C-level Madonna moves. She does have a nice ass, though. I bet it’s an implant.
N*SYNC got back together in yet another move Timberlake stole from Michael Jackson. (Do I sound bitter yet?) Remember when MJ reunited the Jacksons while doing a solo set at Motown 25? I’m sure you don’t, but he did, and I’m pretty sure that’s the idea that was running through JT’s head when he decided to invite the N*SYNC boys back to celebrate his award.
Moving on the Kanye, who is just a weirdo. Though some might accuse me of not “getting it,” I’m pretty sure that I do “get it.” I just don’t like it. I had a coworker tell me recently that Kanye is ahead of his time – that one day, society will catch up to the so-called “weird” things he does. To that, I would like to remind the reader that the same thing was said about Yoko Ono about 40 years ago. “They” said that she was 25 years ahead of her time. Well, either “they” were either wrong and she’s just plain bad, or they were wrong and we are still playing catch-up to her futuristic vision. Kanye is not ahead of his time. Anyone that desecrates a Ray Charles record by talking over it is not ahead of his time (And yes I know that song is almost a decade old, but that’s beside the point). He’s just being weird to get attention – and you the viewer are encouraging it. Pay him no mind and he’ll go away. I promise.
Katy Perry’s set was not even worthy of comment, but since I’m writing, I might as well throw my two cents in. The song is called “Roar.” There’s no metaphor here – in attempt to literally hit you over the head with the message, she had a lion and a tiger at each end of the stage. With the “Eye of the Tiger” line, you obviously need to do a boxing theme. So she did. Her new album drops sometime soon, and despite the fact that she claims she’s “grown” as an “artist,” her new album will sound like the last record she did. I promise that as well.
But the disturbing fact remains – MTV was obviously trying to out-shock the audience this year, but as I watched it unfold, I couldn’t help but think – I haven’t been this bored since “Lost” was on the air. There was nothing shocking about this year’s VMAs. If MTV had opted to showcase actual musicians playing heartfelt music, I’d have been more impressed (and I’m sure that has been said before as well), but the VMAs are not about that. They are about parading the current soul-less pop hitmakers of the day. And for that, they did an adequate job.
And there you have it – the bitter ramblings of someone with a severe case of “old man syndrome.” Trust me – it wasn’t always this bad. Now go dust off your parent’s copy of “Axis: Bold As Love” and go to bed.