Is Brooklyn in the house? Yes, they are. This year’s version of the Video Music Awards comes from the Barclays Center, home to the Brooklyn Nets and a bunch of Jay Z concerts.
There’s a ton of hype coming from Brooklyn, stemming mostly from the rumored return of *NSYNC. There’s also the rumored return of Danity Kane. Eminem also hinted a return. With so many older artists trying to make new moments tonight, maybe Howard Stern will make a come back as Fartman. Okay, maybe not.
What does this say about new music when all the hype is on returning artists? Not much. Then again, I guess it’s up to them to make their own moment.
As MC Hammer once said, “Let’s get it started!”
(For you new kids, MC Hammer is a guy who used to rap and sold the most records ever.)
6:00PM – Lady Gaga kicked off the show with 23 wardrobe changes, the last being a bikini that showed her ass for a quick second. How many people hit the rewind on that DVR to see if she had a badonk?
6:05PM – Oh, she also performed “Applause”. I was paying too much attention to the wardrobe changes.
6:08PM – Selena Gomez wins the first award for Best Pop Video. I loved her more when she loved me like a love song.
6:11PM – According to the new Beats By Drew commercial, the new Eminem album drops on 11/5/13 and is called MMLP2 (Marshal Mathers LP 2).
1. Came out with no pants on.
2. Suggestively shook her ass in the air numerous times.
3. Used a foam finger to massage her girly bits.
4. Used a foam finger to massage Robin Thicke’s manly bits.
5. Pretty much made sure that no one under the age of 13 will ever buy her record ever again.
I hope Billy Ray Cyrus is happy that his daughter wants to be a stripper when she grows up.
6:27PM – Big Money on Eminem’s new album:
When the sequel albums come out, it’s time to get worried.
6:33PM – The person in the photo to the right is:
A. The Bride Of Chucky (word to @csamaru for that one)
B. A munchkin scarecrow
C. Chippette Eleanor
D. Lil’ Kim
6:41PM – Kanye just performed “Blood On The Leaves” in the most Kanye way. He was in a large shadow. You heard of shadow boxing? My man was shadow rapping.
6:48PM – Daft Punk came out with Pharrel and Nile Rodgers to present the Best Female Video. They were wearing space helmets. Yet, they were only third behind Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus of the weirdest people on this show thus far.
Taylor Swift won the award by the way. Of course she followed Kanye. Of course she did.
6:52PM – Ryan Lewis and Macklemore won for Best Social Message Video. They may have won that award by default too.
6:53PM – By the way, Paula Patton’s catching a case for what she’s about to do to Miley after this right?
7:00PM – Justin Timberlake is doing a medley of hits starting with “Take Back The Night”, including “Like I Love You” and just about every major single from his first two albums.
I heard they had to hold Miley in the back because she wanted to come on stage and pull out her own titty.
By the way, @josyouperv compared Gaga’s badonk and Miley Cyrus’ badonk. Let’s just say that Miley doesn’t win.
7:10PM – For all you *NSYNC fans, if you blinked, you may have missed them. They performed “Girlfriend” and “Bye Bye Bye”. And then they disappeared. Before they did, JC let out a wail just to let you know his voice is still better than Justin’s.
7:20PM – All jokes aside, JT should win the award for best white guy Michael Jackson impersonation ever.
7:29PM – Lance Bass just tweeted this.
It may have taken him as long to type that tweet as the non-JT *NSYNC guys were on stage.
7:38PM – Macklemore, the white girl who I thought was Adele, and Jennifer Hudson are not crying on Sundays.
7:48PM – Drake started from the bottom now he’s here. Dude walked so much around the stage that I thought he was trying to find the ring.7:56 – Bruno Mars made his first appearance on the show tonight, winning Best Male Video. I was rooting for him even though I don’t think I’ve seen the “Locked Out Of Heaven” video in full which is unlike 1991 when I saw every video 100 times.
8:04PM – Bruno was back to perform “Gorilla” which is his new single. He was in very good voice tonight and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Well, except Jaden Smith. Jaden may become the new McKayla Maroney with his unimpressed face.
8:16PM – Justin Timberlake wins Best Video Of The Year with “Mirrors” which begs the question; my man wins best video of the whole year, but couldn’t win the award for Best Male Video?
8:25PM – Katy Perry closes the show with “Roar” which used the phrase “eye of the tiger” so of course she’s in the boxing ring. John Mayer must be thinking that her boxing trunks make her sexual napalm.
Goodnight everyone! Thanks for following along with us.