Girl on girl fights on the Real World! If you missed last week’s explosive episode, you missed a knockdown drag out (weave) fight between Avery and Nia. And it all started over dog poop.
Before I catch you up, here’s the cast:
- Anastasia (aka Bird): She’s the leggy, skinny brunette of the group who is also quite emotional. She and her boyfriend broke up when he came to visit and he couldn’t hack his girl being on the reality show. She also can’t wait for this season to be over. After a season-long feud with Jessica, they find out that they’re more similar to each other than they are dissimilar. She also has a weird obsession with traffic cones.
- Jessica: She has dude issues. When she finds Tyler in Portland, she is detached and slow, but then decides he’s worth it and becomes a stalker who buys 10 picture frames and puts them around the apartment. She also seems to have low self esteem which people pick on. Johnny calls her fat as a way to get to her.
- Nia: She’s Hurricane Nia. She’s a reality TV show bad girl to the max and is one of the baddest girls ever on Real World. She also lies, fights really, really hard and doesn’t stop until she wins.
- Avery: The hottest of the bunch, she’s also the most open sexually and finds her prey pretty early in the season in Johnny. Johnny is your normal Boston kid, but Avery is attracted to him and her stripper past means a happy Johnny.
- Joi: She’s half-Asian and she posed for Playboy when she was 19. Sadly, she left after episode three.
- Johnny: Avery’s boy toy who is super sensitive and verbally abusive. He’s a nice kid when he’s not being super sensitive and verbally abusive.
- Marlon: One of the good guys of the Real World, Marlon is an aspiring rapper, super religious, and a former Texas Tech football player. He’s going to be a mega star on The Challenge for sure.
- Jordan: He was easily the biggest heel early on, verbally abusing Jessica for living with her parents. Nia found him as an easy target and they’ve feuded the entire season.
One more thing about Marlon; on the very first episode, he talked about having a bisexual experience, yet later in the year, he talked about not having sex until he was married (and then breaking that in the house). My man, do you not count your bisexual experience?
Oh well, you have to love Marlon’s creed.
Last week on…
The cast goes fishing except for Nia and Jessica who hang out and bond over Jessica’s new purity ring which she buys after the latest boyfriend breaks up with her. She should also buy a chastity belt. Avery’s dog Daisy, who loves Nia mostly because Nia feeds her a lot, craps on the carpet and Nia steps on it. She doesn’t just step on it though. She steps on it and drags it through the carpet before washing her foot off.
When Avery and Johnny get back, they see the carpet messed up with smeared dog crap. Johnny says Nia has to clean it. Nia says it’s not her dog. And really, it isn’t. After some trash talking, Johnny was about to throw a drink at Nia and Hurricane Nia exploded. She grabbed him and was throwing right hands.
After being split up, Johnny went into hiding. Nia grabbed a broken hair dryer and waited for him to appear. Once he did, she cracked him with it and went after him again. This time, Avery was ready, grabbed the weave and threw some right hands of her own at Nia. After they let go of each other’s hair, they split up again until Hurricane Nia gets her slap on and catches Avery right in the back of the head to start it all over.
Real World Portland Finale
0:00: MTV says violence is never the way to solve problems. HBO should do this before boxing matches.
0:01: They go at it again, but Johnny intervenes and Avery scolds him for doing so. She says she needs to get a shot at Nia and thinks it’s unfair Johnny broke it up. Johnny says she can’t stoop to her level.
0:02: Bird says it’s so stupid to start a fight over a turd. Johnny thinks Nia will attack them with a baseball bat in their sleep. Nia’s going to give them RBIs – really bad injuries. Okay, that last part was mine.
0:03: Nia is telling her story and Jordan yells at her and says she’s lying. Nia says she’ll call some friends to take care of Jordan. I hope she doesn’t call Arron Afflalo.
0:05: Bird, Marlon, and Jordan work at the homeless shelter and get some perspective after WrestleMania.
0:11: Johnny calls a meeting and asks the group to vote if Nia should leave. Only Jordan votes yes. Bird says she doesn’t want anyone to leave. Johnny takes his ball and says he and Avery are going home. Well, at least to a hotel.
0:15: Nia calls one of her homies to complain about Jordan as if she’s going to get this dude to step to Jordan. And she does it right on TV. Right.
0:22: Nia – “My dogs are going to eat!”
0:31: Nia invites her heavy to watch Marlon (aka Jay Dillenger) perform at a club. Marlon talks her heavy into not jumping Jordan. Marlon performs “Thirsty”, which features a hook (thirsty and junk) by Jessica. Thirsty and junk.
0:34: Nia’s heavy tells her that he wanted to beat up Jordan, but Marlon touched him. Thugs have feelings too.
0:40: Nia’s heavy who sounds like Xzibit, calls Jordan to meet with he and Nia. Jordan reluctantly agrees.
0:42: Wow, Nia and Jordan make up. Thugs do have feelings! Go on with your bad self, X to the Z!
0:45: Challenge: Rivals II starts on July 10! Give me CT. Give me Frank. Let’s do it.
0:49: Bird leaves her traffic cones around the house with fun messages reminding people of fun times. I think Bird was my favorite character. But, really, she looks like a bird.
0:52: Avery says Johnny is taking Daisy to Boston as insurance that Avery comes for the dog. He’s flying out to Arizona to get a U-haul and drive her out to Boston. That’s a long drive. And let’s hope that Nia doesn’t move to Boston.
I’m hit or miss with Real World these days. Usually, by the first episode, I can tell if I’m in or out. And I was easily in on this season.
For the entire season, I’d give it a good grade. I’m going B+.
Who should join The Challenge?
This is really the most important part of the Real World season. Who should make it to The Challenge?
Nia and Marlon are musts. In a few years, together, they could dominate this thing.
I think Jordan is a possibility, but he’d probably get eaten up for his simple ideals. Johnny would get eaten up because he’s too sensitive. Jessica’s self esteem is too low to handle the show.
Avery can handle herself so I think she can make it. And Bird is just enjoyable to watch, so I think she should go.
We’ll see if I’m right. B****** all thirsty and junk.
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