Big Brother Season 14

I’ll give a quick primer on the long-time reality TV show Big Brother for those who haven’t watched it before. If you have, skip to the next paragraph.

An even number of people, called house guests, are selected to join the Big Brother house which is littered with cameras recording 24/7 for three months. They have zero contact with the outside world. The house guests compete for a head of household opportunity, which allows them to nominate two house guests for eviction. The house guests have a chance to play for the power of veto which allows for some changing of the HoH’s nominations. Every week, one of the two nominated house guests is evicted by a vote from the remaining house guests. In some weeks, they do more than one elimination. The live finale takes the viewers from the top three, to the remaining two until the former house guests decide who wins the game and the $500,000 cash prize. Julie Chen has hosted the show every season and is so stiff as a host, she was given the nickname Chen-bot.

Even though the above paragraph was fairly boring, this game isn’t. This game is all about lying, cheating, and stealing. But imagine living in an existence where some had morals and others didn’t. The only time lying didn’t happen was when mouths were closed. (People lie, even *gasp* on the bible. But really, if you think lying is wrong, should it matter that it’s on the good book or not?) There’s really nothing to do other than eat, sleep, and play the game.

This year’s version of Big Brother featured twelve brand new players and four alumni who were brought in as coaches. As you’d expect, the coaches entered the game like this was the second book of the Hunger Games or something. Britney Haynes from season 13, Dan Gheesling from season 10, Mike “Boogie” Malin from season 2, and Janelle Pierzina from season 6 returned as coaches. Down to the final, only Dan is left out of the alumni. Joining him are Ian, a whiz kid who is socially awkward and Danielle, Dan’s premier player when he was coaching before coaches were let back in the game. My favorite player, Frank Eudy, son of pro wrestler Sid Vicious, was eliminated because he was simply too good at winning challenges and was feared. And that’s why the social game is just as important as winning. If you win too much, you intimidate. Win too little, people think you’re not carrying your weight.

(By the way, Dan is the king of the blindside, leading his housemates to believe he was going to do one thing, and he’d do another, going so far as to betray his alliance members, only to reel them back in making them think he was doing it for the alliance. His best work was faking his own Big Brother funeral to gain sympathy when it looked like he was going home. Of course he stayed. Of course he did.)

I see Julie so it’s time for the finale. Let’s do this time capsule style:

9:35PM: It’s time to go back to the stage one of the HoH finale, which was taped earlier. Dan told Ian that he needs him to throw part one of the competition and Ian has decided to do it. Why? Because Dan says he’ll take him to the final two. Dan then tells Danielle that he’s made a deal with Ian to gain her trust and to make Ian look badly, and Ian throws the challenge exactly as Dan said he would. King of the blindside? How about king of the mind-fu**? Then, he gets Danielle to throw the competition too, making him the winner of stage one. Of course he does. I mean why not? It’s only $500,000. This sets up stage two which is Danielle vs. Ian in the war to settle the score. Winner faces Dan in round three to win HoH.

Surprised, yet again

(Danielle’s reaction this season was most often the surprised look. She’s the queen of being caught off guard. When you’re caught off guard so often, you’re probably not a step ahead of your competitors.)

9:46PM: Part two is a timed memory game which is right up Ian’s photographical memory alley. Danielle is buzzard meat. (By the way, I feel badly for the women in this game because you can see every pound they gain. And for whatever reason, almost all of them gain weight. Danielle’s jeans now look like apple bottom jeans and it’s not because they’re tapered that way if you know what I mean. Truth be told, I think her more junk in the trunk look is a good one.)

9:51PM: Danielle and Dan pretend to be upset at each other and Danielle screams at Ian, saying that if she goes home, she’ll taint the jury and Ian won’t beat Dan. How Dan comes out of every situation without blood on his hands is amazing. He might be usurping Mike Boogie as the best player ever right before our eyes.

9:53PM: The seven remaining jury members (Britney, Frank, Joe the chef, Jenn City, Shane, and Ashley) discuss the three remaining remaining house guests. You get to see all the pettiness. Frank hates Ian because Ian lied to him. Britney hates Danielle for riding Dan’s coattails. Joe the chef thinks there’s ethics in the game, even though his biggest moment was mistaking Dan for Shane while talking trash about Dan. He might be the chef, but his knives weren’t sharp. Speaking of unsharpened knives, Ashely was unfortunately not given a full deck of cards. If Ashely had thought bubbles, they’d show just question marks.

10:03PM: In the final part of the HoH, Dan and Ian have to guess true quotes from the rest of the house guests. Julie throws out a real quote and a fake one. Dan should win this one because he simply reads people better than Ian does. If this was a math test, Ian would win.

10:05PM: In an upset the size of Balboa over Creed in Rocky II, Ian handily beats Dan. He beat him like Dan stole something, or lied on the bible.

Evil Dan

10:11PM: And he evicts Daniele from the house and Dan lives to die another day. Of course he does. Of course he does.

10:21PM: Before the seven jury members vote on who they think should win, they get to ask questions. (I’m paraphrasing here.)

From Ashley to Ian: You created the quack pack. Did you make your own decisions?
Ian: I took destiny into my own hands. (Dan disagrees.)

From Frank to Dan: Do you feel you crossed the line when you swore on the bible?
Dan: Yes. (Okay, he said more than that, but he basically just said yes.)

From Jenn City to Ian: I don’t respect snitches. Snitches get stitches. Why should I give you $500,000 when you eliminated your homies.
Ian: I had to do what I had to do.

From Joe the chef to Dan: What are you trying to take credit for?
Dan: Basically, stabbing people. It was my only option.

From Britney to Ian: Why do you deserve to win over Dan?
Ian: I built my own destiny. And I played slightly cleaner than Dan.

From Shane to Dan: Why do you deserve to win over Ian?
Dan: Ian was the fifth-wheel member of the Quack Pack (which was a five-person alliance with Dan, Danielle, Britney, Ian, and Shane).

From Danielle to Ian: Did you know that Dan had a final two deal with me too?
Ian: I hope not because he gave me his grandfather’s cross to swear that he was taking me to the final two.
Dan: I would’ve taken you for sure Danielle.

The final 2

10:30PM: It’s final speech time. I’m totally paraphrasing here again. This isn’t word for word.

Ian: Dan, I’m disgusted with you and I’ll have to lay into you. I’ve had four HoHs and two vetos and Dan had one apiece. I haven’t been up against elimination and he has. I’ve played this game with probability, statistics, and heart up until the last day in this game.

Wow, Ian is so winning. He just broke hearts.

Dan: Let me kiss everyone’s ass, even the people I don’t care about. Let me butter you up so that you vote for me. I didn’t play personally. Vote for who played this game with the tools they had. And I swear to you on a stack of bibles, I am sorry. (Okay, I added that stack of bibles part.)

I’d totally vote for Dan. I’d rather be beaten by the guy who figured out multiple ways to escape rather than the kid who people didn’t take seriously until the end.

10:41PM: The non-jury house guests (basically the first six eliminated) who have been able to go home and watch the show since they were eliminated so early, get to talk about the players. Janelle says Dan was amazing and should win the game. Mike Boogie says Dan played an amazing game, but Ian booted him out and he respects his journey. Will says to take responsibility for falling for lies, don’t blame the person who lied. Spoken like a true liar.

10:51PM: I think Danielle, Britney, Jenn City, and Ashley will vote for Dan and he wins 4-3.
Danielle’s vote: Dan
Shane’s vote: Ian
Jenn City’s vote: Ian
Joe’s vote: Ian
Frank’s vote: Ian
Britney’s vote: Ian
Ashley’s vote: Ian

And that’s all she wrote. Sometimes, the best players don’t always win. Ian is the winner of Big Brother 14 and $500,000.

10:57PM: My man Frank wins the America’s vote and $25,000. That’s chump change compared to his pops’ WrestleMania payoffs, but hey, it’s well deserved.

Now, I have to wait until next summer to watch my favorite reality show again. Quack. Quack. Quack.

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